my fucking pills got bigger.

pretty much my whole existence right thereee.

omg, it’s never been this bad at a family gathering EVER.

has been so unkind.

actually happens to me all the time.

And that’s supposed to mean all kinds of good things.

But for me it also means getting sicker. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sunshine or the long nights or that my brain just likes to ruin everything I love but for some reason my psychosis is always worse during this time of year. And despite the meds it’s continued to be more intense ever since that tiny psychological breakdown in first year.

I try really hard not to be a cry baby about it, I accept the situation and know that I have no control over it (for the most part).

But sometimes it just gets really fucking tiring. I don’t want this, I don’t want to play this run around game attempting to prevent triggers, I don’t want to leave all the lights on and the door open with no hope of an actual deep sleep, I don’t want to feel terrorized and alone.

Yes, most people are a little afraid of the dark. But there’s a difference between fear of the unknown and feeling something so real that it makes everything within you stop and turn into unmitigated dread; causing you to fucking race from wherever you are, gasping and panting and crying and never really being able to feel safe.

I’m sorry I just needed to get this out, I don’t know where else to go in the middle of the night.

and then afterwards: “What if that was an important call?!”

I’ll be replying throughout the next few days, I don’t purposely ignore anyone I just have like weird internet social anxiety.
it also happens with text messages.
>.>

that was too sudden to gain any control of.

So I frantically tidied and vacuumed my whole room while shaking and sobbing and intermittently hyperventilating.  

now I’m going to get in the shower and cry some more and hope that it stops soon.

super cute pill case I bought from the dollar store yesterday.

for some reason my nerves are out of control.

on the plus side I randomly lost weight, tha fuck.

I fucking hate anxiety.

I’ve been working my whole life to find this and I’m the closest I’ve ever been these days.

Fun fact: I got lost at an amusement park when I was 4 after this ride ended at a different entrance and I couldn’t find my dad, I happened to already have like crippling social anxiety so this was not an enjoyable adventure.